Learning to focus

I had another breakthrough when I went with Chuck to the mall (a week and a 1/2 ago?) and we stopped in the bookstore.  I pulled out an Acrylic painting magazine, a venue magazine, and an Artist magazine and started looking through them.  I kept focusing on the portrait paintings.  After I saw one that looked like Eric’s wife Sarah – I had another epiphany.  I have said forever that I like painting and drawing people the most.  The painting I was looking at was the style and colors that I saw in my head that I wanted to do.  Ding! Ding! Ding!  A light bulb went off!! I closed the magazine and said to myself, “You’ve said for years this is the subject matter you want to paint, want to draw, and enjoy working with, the most--so just do it!” Winner winner chicken dinner!! Got to start doing portraits. Paint, paint, paint, practice, practice, practice, do this and stop putting it off.  I need to find artist styles I like (or my own style) and learn how to do it, practice it, do it!!!

I also went back to my art blog that I haven't used since 2013, wow 3 years, and saw that I had been working on portraits.  It's almost all portraits.  You can see it here: Morning Star Studio

So, it's not something new  - it's just getting back on track.

I wrote this last week before I knew Chuck was going to need more stents.  I said starting tomorrow, which would have been Wednesday August 31st, that I would start a portrait yeah, sounds like more procrastination.  Chuck’s going through a lot and we’ve had many doctor appointments.  He had an appointment last Wednesday that turned into another catheterization the following day.  So that was Wednesday and Thursday last week and then 5 days of recovery from Thursday. 

Then this past week he had a follow up appointment, which was about 2 – 3 hours.  We learned he needs four stents and it will take 2 – 3 more surgeries.   He had 3 days of doctor appointments this past week and next week – he gets some stents and another doctor appointment before that.  It's been busy.  I'll be glad when we get a week without having to go to the doctor - two weeks from now - yay!  And then I'll get serious about painting again!

Lets get real about stage IV cancer

First I don’t have a lot of energy and when I do I’m bad about overdoing it and wearing myself out so I have to recuperate from overdoing it.  It’s a vicious cycle.

Second, I don’t look sick.  The optometrist said to me, when he found out I have stage IV cancer, “But you have hair.  Why do you have hair?”  Seriously dude?  Yeah and he looked about 18 too!  So I slowly, get it?, anyway - slowly explained to him that the cancer I have isn’t treatable with Chemo and Chemo is what makes you lose your hair.  “Oh, I thought everyone with cancer lost their hair,” was his wise reply.

Umm hmmmmm.

Even though I don’t look sick I do use a cane and have a limp sometimes, not always.  Not always - because sometimes I feel better but most of the time I get tired when I go out and start tripping -  because I’m tired.  Sometimes though my leg hurts (the one with the rod and bolt) and because I have tumors in my pelvic bone and on my spine that affect my legs, and back and it’s just better to have a cane when I get trip-sy…get it?  trip-sy not tipsy.  Though some of these medications for my pain make me feel tipsy and get trip-sy.  So, again, it’s a vicious cycle.

After 5 years of living with this I think I’m finely beginning to learn a few things.

For instance, I wanted to make Chuck a day after Father’s day - nice dinner - because I felt like it.  This is going to turn into a rant, sorry.  About 45 minutes into preparation, (no longer feeling like it) I got tired, and started having a lot more pain and got frustrated.  The kitchen looked like a war zone even though the recipe said 15 minutes prep time.

Ok now I have a gripe with that.  Forty-five freakin minutes after what was supposed to take 15 minutes and I’m exhausted and the kitchen’s a wreck.  I learned what happens on TV isn’t what happens in real life when it comes to how long it really takes to prepare something.  I’m guessing the vegetables were already cut up, and the meat, and she already had everything out and ready before she started timing it.  With the magic of TV you have a clean kitchen, and prepared veges and meat, and the stop and start videoing ‘till you get it right, all of this going on behind the scenes.  I should have known no kitchen looks that clean after messing with that much meat and veges.  Plus her shirt is always spotless, really?!  That is not the real world when cooking something like this.  I have spots and holes in my shirts I wear to cook in.  Yeah I know wear an apron - but hot flashes from cancer meds say no. Layering anymore clothes on top of clothes in a hot kitchen in the state of Florida - ain’t gonna happen!   If it were up to the meds and Chuck I’d cook naked but I’m really not comfortable with that. 

So anyhoo, I got everything prepared like she said-finally-and then I decided to cook it in the crock pot to keep the house from heating up because this is Florida.  When I get it into the crock pot I realize it’s not going to be done when Chuck gets home if I don’t put it into the oven, bummer.  I’m not going to go by her time frame any more when I use her recipes.  I love her don’t get me wrong but the illusion of TV makes it seem much less work than it is.  I’m talking about the PW who I found online before she became famous and I knew from what I saw she would become famous if she was discovered.  She has a super interesting life and any recipes I’ve used have always been really good.  I cannot afford, financially, to cook a lot of the things she makes because let’s face it she lives on a cattle ranch so her beef is free and mine is not.  I imagine her food (especially the beef) is exceptionally fresh with living on a ranch.  I have priced some of the things she’s made for a crowd, one of her roast or steak dinners, the meat was way over $100, I can’t afford that!

Anyway, all this had me imagining things I could do online, such as:

Showing people how to cook affordable, 20-30 minute - start to finish - real world meals, and how you should eat if you have cancer –also on a budget, and things that you have to do and change because of having cancer.  Usually when you watch a cooking show on TV it seems the budget is non-existent and they surely don’t take into consideration days of nausea and days of bloating from medications and generally feeling like crap.  Everyone on TV has beautiful hair, makeup, jewelry, manicures, pedicures, and not a drop of sweat on them.  Must be nice. 

I will end with this.  It was a really good dinner, one of my favorites and I will find a way to make it more time and cost effective for us. 

If you want to try the recipe, it’s called Burgundy Beef Stew.  I will say I never liked beef stew but I really like this one.

This is the link:

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ree-drummond/burgundy-beef-stew.html

Thanks for getting real with me!